The History of Dad Bane

Dad Bane was born in a log cabin in Illinois. As a youngster, he learned how to split logs into rails and wrestle bears. One day he chopped down a cherry tree and owned up to it when asked if he did it. After that he was known as Honest Abe Bane.

One day he was shooting at some food, but the shot missed and hit the ground instead. Up came bubbling crude (oil, that is). The next day he was a millionaire. His kinfolk said " Bane move away from here." They said "California is the place you ought to be." So he loaded up his truck and moved to Beverly (Hills). There were lots of movie stars and swimming pools around his house.

His next door neighbors were the Adams family. Their Uncle Fester could make a lightbulb glow in his mouth. Grandpa would sleep by hanging upside down on a trapeze bar. Gomez would crash model trains into each other for fun.  Morticia worked in the movie business and told Dad Bane that roles in "Star Wars" were being cast. Dad Bane had a very deep voice as a result of a bad cold so he got the part of Darth Vader.

On the movie set Bane met MommyWan Secura, who played the role of a Jedi. They fell in love and after the movie ended they jet-skied to Hawaii to get married. They were pretty thirsty once they got there so they drank a lot of pineapple juice. The wedding took place on top of Bali Hai Mountain. MommyWan and Bane free-climbed to the top while the rest of the wedding party arrived by helicopter.

After the ceremony Bane and MommyWan leapt off the mountain in a dual person hang glider. They were able to fly high enough to get caught in a jet stream that took them all the way to South Dakota. When they landed they noticed a bunch of people roaming the side of a mountain with hammers and chisels. Bane asked what they were doing and they said they were going to carve the faces of the four Marx Brothers into the mountain. MommyWan said it would be better to carve four presidents instead. The people agreed and let Bane and MommyWan each carve a president by themselves. Bane chose Lincoln since he's from Illinois. MommyWan chose Washington.

They finished carving the next day, and were very thirsty after all that hard work. Their fellow carvers said the Missouri River is about 200 miles to the east and they could get water there. MommyWan and Bane carried the hang glider onto the top of Washington's head and sailed into the sky. A strong westerly gust of wind came along which sent them soaring. Soon they were approaching the river, and they spotted a pocket of water that looked like a dragon head with a spike on top. They thought it would be a good place to get a drink so they slowly circled the area and landed.

The rushing water quenched their thirst, and it made them wonder how far they could travel downstream. They decided to see if the hang glider could also serve as a raft. Turning it upside down and placing it in the water, it floated. MommyWan and Bane got on board and paddled toward the middle of the river. The current soon had them travelling at a brisk pace. After about 500 miles they were very hungry so they decided to stop in Kansas City to get something to eat.